Feb. 16th, 2016

boonedog: (anarchy styrockasaurus)
Urgh. I am so sore and have a terrible headache. I think I'm having a flare-up and once again I'm having trouble with the mail order pharmacy who has not sent me my humira even though the doctor called it in a month ago. I was doing ok without it but now I'm starting to really feel the symptoms. Blah.

Work is a mixed bag. I like the paycheck and I'm starting to understand my job, but the wife portion of my mom & pop shop boss duo is really annoying. She admits she has no idea what my job is but then tries to act like a boss and go over my job duties (as best she could figure them out) and find out if everything is getting done because she's not sure it is. But part of why she's not sure it is is that she really has no idea what I do. And she apparently does not totally understand what she is doing either. Thankfully, she does not like to come in very often so she's not there very much. It's much more relaxed when she's not there. She usually rolls in about 9:30 or 10am, then takes a long lunch from noon to 2pm and then I leave at 3pm so I don't have to see her much. She can sound enormously condescending - not just to me but to the other employees and she has even said rather snottily behind Jacob's back, "Oh, Jacob has no idea what he's doing back there I don't think" which more means to me "I have no idea what Jacob does so I project that onto him". I imagine she'll do the same with me but as long as I don't take it on I should be fine. This is not a permanent career move for me - it is a helpful paycheck while it lasts.

As far as permanent career moves go I'm following up on the Path International stuff for training to be a therapeutic riding instructor. It looks like they're having a workshop in Redmond in Sept. so that's pretty cool that I don't have to travel far for that. That would've been expensive. And I found someone in Tacoma who is willing to be my required mentor and a facility in South Tacoma where I can volunteer to get required volunteer hours.

I was supposed to go out to a mounted shooting practice in Chehalis this Sunday but it turns out it is canceled. One of the women I was going to go down to meet down there cleans and repairs blankets for folks on the island and I said I wanted to pick up my horse blankets still so I would come down anyway if she wanted to hang out. She offered to meet me half-way in Lacey and we could go to Cabella's and it turns out that is really close to the Nisqually Nature Preserve so we're going to take the kids and go for a walk there. So, I'm glad that turned out. I was looking forward to meeting her in person because she seems very nice and down-to-earth and I was kind of looking forward to gun shopping with her.

I was a little anxious about going to Chehalis because of the R-issue (I'm tired of typing out the name Roehbe) and fears of running into him especially cause he lives 2 blocks from Ariane (the girl I'm meeting). But as time goes on I'm starting to just not give a shit if I do run into him. I'm feeling stronger about being an ok person even if I do make mistakes and feeling more secure that there really isn't much he could do to me (short of something freaky and violent which hopefully he is not the type to do that and thank god there are actually sheriff's deputies on the island and one across the street from me). Anyway - socially I'm pretty sure I don't need to worry too much about him. If he says shit to Ariane about me at this point hopefully she's mature enough and we've talked enough that she would just ask me about it.

I still have bouts of feeling really humiliated about the whole thing. I find myself wishing I hadn't deleted all our texts so I could show them to a non-biased party (like a therapist) and ask them, "Was I crazy? Was I delusional? Did I make this whole situation up in my head?" I was reading articles the last few days on limerence - or delusional infatuation. I guess trying to figure out if I was delusional to think there was some sort of romantic feelings for a couple weeks between myself and Roehbe. The way he framed it, he was just flirting and being nice and I misconstrued it somehow. I knew logically that he wasn't going to leave his wife for and start dating me but emotionally I at least felt like there was something between us - something that he had purposely separated as "special between just the two of us" and excluding his wife. Which made me feel awful for her.

If I step back and just look at the fact though it was our typical "guy trying to cheat on wife" scenario and I didn't end up falling for it. I mean, my emotions got a little whacked out but I never even touched him and I had the self-preservation sense to after it all started when he came out here to shoe my horses have it fly out of my mouth almost immediately, "We have to stop flirting like this! I can't do this to your wife!" So if anyone was being "the real man" in the situation it was me. If anyone was taking care of and being true to his wife it was me. So, really, I should probably step back, look at the situation and pat myself on the back for being the bigger person and the only one of the two of us with any sense of morals and respect for his wife (who I've never even met). It does hurt my feelings that he was never actually my friend, but then that's compounded by my hurt feelings that Audrey was never actually my friend. Maybe she thought she was my friend but I'm not even sure of that. Who knows. Her idea of friendship might just be that it's ok to talk shit behind your friends backs. Regardless she is not my friend.


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